I had taken care of terminal cancer pts and they always thought of everyone before them. I remember thinking they are the most self less people I know they are so much to be admired. Ill never forget I was helping someone I had taken care of for a long time to roll her over she was so weak she couldn't do it herself and she looked at me dead in the eyes and she said "Michele please don't do this if it will hurt your back honey." I thought how could anyone worry bout my back" when they are dying. During the course of my blogging I will share stories with you about these wonderful people who I had the privilege and honor of meeting.
I found a lump, I called my gynecologist, I was rushed into her office, and now it begins, here is where it starts the loss of modesty. This Dr had been my dr for many many yrs and she did an exam and she isnt good at hiding her Dr face i guess cause I knew by her face she knew already what I had dreaded. She told her medical assistant whom also had known me almots 19 yrs, get Michele a stat radiologist appt for mamogram please do it now. I remember thinking crap she ordered a stat mamogram,funny how the human brain works I was still in denial saying to myself "please God dont let this be real wake me up from this nightmare." In the back of my mind I thought of Bethie, my cousin who I adored and looked up to all my life, gone from our earth because of breast cancer at a very young age. I told my dr that and she saw more urgency in getting this diagnosed.
Ok so who designed the machine for mamograms I KNOW it had to of been a man! I dont think if they had to have this done on their male parts they would ever do it! Whos idea was this manogram machine anyway OMG. Here comes modesty lesson number two for me, everybody looking at your boobs and feeling them for the lumps. Now they take you and place one boob at a time in between this vice like machine with clear plastic plates and sqoosh. Well when you have tumors they sqoosh them smaller then normal because they have to they tell you. She told me "this is going to hurt I am so sorry but it will be over so fast." Well I thought I am so tough ive had pain in my life how bad could it be? (they tell me later the drs hear the women in that room screaming thats how bad it could be) Well I am a good soldier and I got ready. That girl was not kidding it was the worst pain I have ever had in my life it brought me to sobs and she was fast and got me out fast, I felt bad for her cause i could tell by the look on her face she hated hurting me. I wouldnt want her job I would go home and cry every day. Then to make matters worse that was only one side I know knew I had to do it one more time. So it happened again and I sobbed like a baby, then she said wait here I have to check the films. She came back and said we have to do one more time one didnt come out good enough. OMG I was still sobbing but I did it because guess what there is no choice.
Next step I was told is if the radiologist thinks it needs done I will go into another room and have an ultrasound. Modesty lesson numb 3 is on its way, you lay down on a table and your all exposed, doors opening and closing and there you are. They put on the gell to get a good picture and I am a nurse so I was of course watching the ultrasound screen. What I saw was not good but it could still be a cyst? Still in denial and I am a medical person, I have spent most of the day at this radiologists office by now. This is where you came in above when the radiologist enters the room with a nurse behind her. She says "I called your Dr and got permission to talk to you." The rest was history.
Modesty lesson numb 4 biopsy, this radiologist knew I was one of their hospitals nurses she had a day filled with work, and a new baby waiting at home, and she still pulled me aside and said if I can do this biopsy today will you let me? I didnt know she was staying over her schedule to do mine i didn't know she had a new baby at home, I knew she was trying to get me diagnosed with pathology ASAP to save my life. Ok now I am scared because I have done this all alone, I heard the cancer words with total strangers in this room, I am divorced and i didnt want to scare my sons or my father, he just lost his wife not long ago, and he adored his niece Bethie who died from this, did I mention he is 91 yrs old. So I did this alone and I have never been so afraid in my whole life and I will never be afraid of anything ever again since breast cancer. They put you in another room and yes you guessed modesty lesson numb what is it now? I was so modest up till breast cancer came round and now im getting pissed off that all these people are touching me and looking at me I was hating it so badly I wanted to scream but you cant because you have no choice.
Another table they prep the areas for the Dr then the Dr comes in and they give you local meds to numb things and they give epi in these injections, which has a side effect of making you shake.So I am shaking like its below zero in the room and have no control over it. What they do is use the ultrasound machine and target the tumors, then they make an incision, and go in with a special device and suck out piece of the tumor and they leave a marker in there for surgery later. When you have cancer they are very vascular so of course i started bleeding and they couldn't stop the bleeding and all I kept thinking is "this isnt happening this nightmare is going to be over I will wake up soon." I was joking with the assistant because i could see how bad they felt for me and the last thing I wanted was to make anyone else feel bad, I am now a cancer pt. I could bleed to death and I am making jokes, and I am still all alone in a room with strangers. These strangers have been with me all day and they are the same strangers who hugged me tight when I was told Michele you have breast cancer. ...I dont think they can be called strangers anymore and my journey is now just beginning.Now let me tell you about the bravery, it didnt come from me, I thought to myself while i was being tortured all day andhit with so much in one day, my son and his friends and so many soldiers are and have fought in a war to protect us and me,My son was in Iraq and he lost his two best friends right in front of him and he endured so much for 15 months. He has his unit with him but I think even with your unit you have to know your own mortality. He would tell me when we did get to talk, "I Love You Mom, I am goingout on a mission and I never know if today is the day I dont come back." These are words No mother wants to hear from their child. During the course of the worst most god awful day I have ever had I thought of him and all our troops so young and so brave, and I said I can do this I am not alone, I have God beside me. I am the military mom on my space I recorded a song for my son when he was in Iraq called "SO BRAVE" it was written by another mother of a soldier a brillant songwriter and she said what all us military moms were thinking in her song. I recorded it for him and sent it to him in Iraq, it was later picked up by a grammy winning producer who mixed it, Mr Ron St Germain, who is a brillant producer and a man I have come to know and call friend. He donated his time as his contribution to the troops coming from an airforce family. http://www.myspace.com/micheleannn
I will learn soon that nothing in life is insignificant even the wind in the trees and the way a bird flies and the clouds look , all are big and bolder,more beautiful then I ever thought they could be. The smile on your sons face, and every inch of their face seen in brillance like never before. Love that was always there just hidden cause life got in the way, busy got in the way, work got in the way. My family now says I love you every time they talk to each other on the phone ,breast cancer has effected my entire family I am not alone.
